Enola, bless her, has helped me sort through an earlier post a bit further, and I want to start by saying, “Thank you, my friend” for that.
In her comment to my previous post, she made a very good point: how much of my stress am I attributing to work, when it might really be due to something else? As I sorted through things to answer that question, I realized that I’ve added a lot to my plate in the last few months.
Aside from work, I joined my church in May which has added a new place for community but also added new obligations, like Sunday nights in addition to church on Sunday mornings. I also joined the choir, which has practice on 2 Wednesday nights a month. I’m taking a leadership class through my church that meets once a week (Sunday mornings – in lieu of Sunday School), but it costs $300 for the year and requires about 5 hours of preparation time spread out through the week, in addition to the hour or so we spend on Sunday mornings.
This is all in addition to the work schedule, the dog schedule, the family obligation schedule, and the “getting over the anemia” schedule (which is basically making time for more regular/nutritious meals so that my vitamins and iron pills don’t make me sick to my stomach). Until a short while ago, my house hadn’t been vacuumed since before my parents came (end of September), and I finally moved back into my room which I let them have while they were here after about 3 weeks.
Then a few weeks ago, I walked in to work and got shunted right away into computerized research updates that if I didn’t take them would result in my password being suspended until I did (which was non-billable). Another 3-hour seminar (also non-billable) that morning, a new meeting with my mentor just got dropped into my schedule for the following day, and judging for a National Trial Advocacy event at my law school on the last Saturday of October (which I bailed on), with trial scheduled for the 29th and 30th.
We’re talking in leadership class about ordering our private world – maintaining personal priorities in the face of deep and meaningful struggles outside – so that, in a way, we have the serenity to accept what we can’t change, the courage to change what we can change, and the wisdom to sort out the two.
When I was younger, I was taught that you can’t live your life sacrificing the important on the altar of the immediate. You can’t go through your life simply putting out fires – you have to make choices about what is really important in your life first, and then make your decisions about immediate crises based on your priorities. That becomes harder to do when the immediate crises are important.
What I’m starting to see is that, and maybe this is just wishful thinking and maybe it’s something else, maybe the things I’ve been struggling with are struggles because I’m not supposed to be carrying them. The life I live now I live in daily struggle – which, I know, is the story most people share. But there is no “margin” in my life.
For me to take time to rest means I have to take time from something else that is truly important. The trouble is that I have a house to pay for, I have food/clothing/other needs that need to be addressed, and the economy in my state is such that I can’t live anymore on what I make, even though I make a decent living. Who can’t live on $65K a year as a single person with no kids? [People who borrowed money for college - word to the wise....]
I feel like the kid who got the yarn out of the box, tried really hard to knit it into a sweater because she was cold, and she got the whole thing tied up into knots. The more she pulled, the tighter they became, until the whole thing threatened to strangle her. It wasn’t until someone came along and got the scissors and cut her free that she was able to escape. Trouble was, she used up half the yarn, and she was still cold. At least with the knotted yarn around her, she was warmer.
Boy can I “hear you”/ relate to what you are describing!!!
I tried to find a picture to include on this comment…In my late 20’s early 30’s I found myself doing basically the same thing you are describing…maybe it goes w/ the territory of that age in our lives….saw a picture of a man RUNNING inside of a hampster wheel, brief case in hand….making that wheel spin!..it was a visual picture of what I was feeling inside…finally, I couldn’t take it anymore…(for some of us,(speaking just of myself here) it takes a while to get to that point.. Was reading a book called “Ordering your Private World” by Gordon MacDonald…the title captured what I knew needed to happen…finally called a meeting w/ the powers that be and told them..this is what I’m going to do. Period…no and if or but’s…revamped the committments of my life radically..and I’ve never looked back..learned how to use a powerful little word…that word is “No”….a word that those of us who are people pleasers have a hard time articulating…(I was a people pleaser to the core)…Anyway…I think you are on the right track in your thinking!
[...] Today I had a major flashback reading this post from Lawyerchik . It was a watershed moment in my [...]
Ugh college loans. And law school loans. I hear you. All too well.
It took me a long time to learn how to say no. I only learned it out of desperation, really. I used to have this boss who was just relentless. She zoomed in on me right away (probably knew I couldn’t say no). She would call on weekends, nights, crack of dawn… it was awful. She expected so much out of me and I just couldn’t deliver. I felt terrible. Being overwhelmed is an awful feeling. I feel like that right now, too. Keeping up with all the kids and the homework, the shopping, paying the bills, washing all the laundry. It’s becoming a real struggle again.
No, it’s not ideal to spend all your time putting out fires, but when you’re gagging on the smoke, what choice is there? It’s best for me when I can figure out what keeps starting the darn things to begin with and get rid whatever it is (warning: possible, but easier said than done sometimes). I’m glad you’re taking care of your health. You deserve to be well.
DM – Thanks – it helps to hear from people who have been through what I’m dealing with and come out the other side intact. It’s going to take some ground-laying, because it’s hard to set new rules after the game is already half-way through, but it’s going to have to be done.
Enola – Yes! Those people who push student loans don’t tell you about the other options that could fund an education without the years of bondage that go along with their programs. My dad’s seminary was cool – they set it up so that any loans taken out during the year were paid off before the next year started. Students weren’t in debt at the end of their education – imagine!!
Lynn – Thanks for the encouragement. It’s hard to sort out sometimes what starts the little buggers, but I’m hoping it will be worthwhile. Maintenance has never been my strong suit – due to lack of practice mostly – especially since this is the first job I’ve ever had that last longer than about 2 years. There isn’t a lot of trouble you can get into when you aren’t there that long…..